March 2012
143 posts
February 2012
88 posts
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I'm writing this to you. I'm writing this for me.
I told you I wanted more and I needed more. That wasn’t fair and that wasn’t true. When I told you I was tired of only seeing you on the weekends, I didn’t stop and think. I get to see you all weekend. At the minimum I see you from friday night to sunday night. I get that time with you, one-on-one. You spend more time total with me than you do on anything else during the week....
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It looks like I’m either going to Washington DC or Chicago for spring break. I’m keeping my fingers crossed that DC wins, but either way I’m making a list of museums/monuments/landmarks to see in either place. I’m so excited.
“She was a genius of sadness, immersing herself in it, separating its numerous...”
– Jonathan Safran Foer
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Things that I want to buy within the next few months:
an old, beat-up Jeep Wrangler
a banjo
a shitty, cheap, one bedroom apartment
a kitten
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I think I think too much. I think the world inside my head will one day consume me. I’m not sure if there is more in my mind than in other peoples’, or if I’m just weaker than everyone else.
Everyone keeps talking about how all they want to do for spring break is go to the beach and get drunk and go crazy. I’m really hoping to get to go to DC and visit museums. I feel so old, but my desire to discover new things and learn far outweighs my desire to get shitty and party.
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“You pushed me away with your sadness.” I’m terrified of hearing those words again.
And then I'm up again.
And I can slowly start to unwrap myself from the tendrils of depression that have worked their way into my mind. I can get a shower and put on real makeup and clothes and feel good about myself. I can clean my room and do my laundry and do my homework and get the things done that I couldn’t bring myself to do before. I can smile and look people in the eye and leave my room. I walk around...
“Those who walk away from you in the dark should be forgotten in the light.”
– I Wrote This For You: The Things I Have Felt Have Torn Me Apart
If you want to know why I take medicine to knock me into a coma every night: come listen to my thoughts as it gets dark, come feel the darkness creeping into my brain, and you’ll understand why I need to leave my head, and hope my demons don’t find me in my nightmares instead.
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I can’t tell if I’m just upset and really need to not be alone right now, or if I’m alone and it’s making me upset. My head is just a scary place to be right now and I don’t want to be here alone.
That moment when you finish a book, look around, and realize that everyone is just carrying on with their lives as though you didn’t just experience emotional trauma at the hands of a paperback.
GPOY every time I finish a book.
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Today is one of those days where I need someone to smother me with affection and tell me that it’s all okay. I know I’m immensely needy, but on days like today I cannot rely on myself to make me okay. Sometimes the weight of the world is just too heavy.
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Sometimes I just want to go back to the days where I was alone and insane. Having good people and love in my life and being happy means I have so much more to lose. I honestly don’t know if I can handle another crash. Life doesn’t offer a satisfaction guarantee. And that scares the shit out of me.
Valentine's Day does not and should not determine...
devynicole:
It’s just Tuesday. If you’re in a relationship you shouldn’t have to wait until February 14th to express your love for your partner. And if you’re single, you shouldn’t feel alone just because this consumer-based holiday strives to make you feel that way.
Treat today like any other day. Love the ones that love you, whether they be friends, family, or significant others.
My...
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Shove those emotions way back down, Emily. Don’t fuck this up by letting your crazy side show. You know that you trust him. Be happy that he gets to do something that makes him happy and stop feeling sorry for yourself. Deep breath. Don’t cry. Be calm.